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Thanks to Sheryl Sandberg and her recent book, Lean In:  Women, Work and the Will to Lead, women are engaging in critical conversations on work and motherhood like never before.  While I like the expression “Lean In,” I must beg to differ that this catch-phrase will work for most real women.  After 15 years of clinical practice, working as an in-house therapist to various workplaces I feel pretty confident that I can report out on which direction everyday women are “leaning.”  For the sake of keeping up Sheryl’s proverbial compass, I argue that most women are in a perpetually diagonal, navigating a constant see-saw pull between work and home life, and trying very hard to do it all, and have it all, in whatever way that means to them.

In my grandmother’s era, women were told to lean out of the work arena, and focus entirely on motherhood, and matrimony.  In my mother’s era, women were told to lean into work, but only in certain career trajectories.  In my era, I was told to reach for the highest star professionally. But once motherhood entered the picture my feminist pioneers’ messages seem to fail me and I felt quite frankly that I had been sold a bad bill of goods.  As a full-time worker and mother to twin boys, how can I have it all, and do it all, all the time?  I have learned to lean out, for various reasons including the fact that I am not a superhero (despite my herculean schedule) and I need to give myself a break.  I have spoken to thousands of ordinary, yet extraordinary women nationwide who have concurred that modern motherhood comes with a slim margin for error, meaning we are all just one child’s strep throat, common cold, or call from school away from needing to lean out again, and again.

“Lean In” is part of a great book title.  But seriously, women today are so tired of being told what to do, and how to do it.  I truly believe our feminist pioneers’ greatest gifts to us was giving us choices.  As long as we continue to flex our choices, we are far from stalled in moving feminism forward, and our own sense of leadership.  Choice empowers us with options on how to live, and this sense of choice is our modern day birthright.  The dizzying choice most women seem to be making today looks like a lot of leaning in and out, and out and in.  Mothers have told me of their struggles, fatigue, and ever-present guilt.  I have heard a cry-out for support, validation, normalization and voiding judgment.  Hats off to Sheryl for creating motherhood buzz.  Now we need to keep the topic on center stage, and honor the many directions we choose to lean.

 

As a mommy of four, I’m often looking for lessons to teach my children, amidst the chaos of reviewing homework, packing lunches, scheduling play dates, chauffeuring them to school, basketball, dance, gymnastics, acting and the like.  I love it when I find a lesson or two or four in the least expected places.  Last night, while watching the Super Bowl with my family, I thought of a few good lessons worth teaching.  My kids were happy to play with their cousins, and didn’t focus much on the game until the half-time show.  To be honest, the first half wasn’t very exciting from my perspective either.

My 5-year-old daughter loves music and has fun dancing around to the latest Top 10 single.   My 8-year-old son usually keeps me current by asking me to buy a song on iTunes, albeit from an artist I’ve often never heard of.  My 10-year-old son loves to act, sing, play guitar and perform. How fabulous then that Madonna’s Roman-themed half-time show included some “classic” hits from my youth – “Like a Prayer,” “Vogue” and “Express Yourself,” as well as help from some younger pop music performers, like Nicky Minaj, M.I.A. and LMFAO. (On an aside, I’m just glad my kids didn’t ask me what LMFAO stood for.  My brother and sister-in-law had a good laugh over the fact my husband didn’t know.)

The Material Girl appeared like royalty when an army of muscle men lifted her throne across Lucas Oil Stadium to the stage for her opening song, “Vogue.”  So what if Madonna appeared to stumble later.  She moves better than I could ever have dreamed of at 25, and the Queen of Pop is now in her 50s.  Listen up kids.  Lesson #1 – when you constantly reinvent yourself to keep up with the times (while always remaining true to who you are), you will NEVER, and I repeat NEVER go out of style.

Madonna has sold more than 300 million records worldwide, and is recognized as the world’s top-selling female recording artist of all time by the Guinness Book of World Records.  Say what you want about her singing, pushing the envelope kind of performing, acting, personal life, etc., but remember this, in 2008, Billboard magazine ranked Madonna as number two, on the Billboard Hot 100 All-Time Top Artists, behind only The Beatles (yes, The Beatles!), making her the most successful solo artist in the history of the Billboard chart. That’s right kids. That same year, she was also inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  Time has also considered her to be one of the “25 Most Powerful Women of the Past Century” for being an influential figure in music.

The other great take-away from Super Bowl XLVI – Lesson #2 is this – even those with a rough start and the odds stacked against them can go on to become Champions.  The Giants, a team I used to love watching as a little girl in the dead of winter with my dad in good ole East Rutherford, NJ during the Phil Simms days, sure taught our children that lesson this year.  Big Blue almost didn’t make the playoffs, needing plenty of help at 7-7 with two games left.  They were the first team in NFL history to reach the Super Bowl after having been outscored by their opponents in the regular season.  With a 9-7 record, the Giants became the third NFL team to win fewer than 10 games in a non-strike season and reach the Super Bowl, but became the first nine-win (or 9-7) team to win the Super Bowl.

Eli Manning, Giant’s two time Super Bowl quarterback, taught yet another lesson (Lesson #3) about the importance of remaining calm under pressure when he completed 30 of 40 passes for 296 yards and a touchdown, without throwing any interceptions despite being pressured enough for three sacks by the Patriots.   Manning, the team’s Most Valuable Player also sent out a message, Lesson #4 to our sons and daughters, about how no team ever won a Super Bowl based on one athlete’s game – instead demonstrating the importance of teamwork. A MVP quarterback’s pass (as amazing as it might have been) is perhaps only worth talking about the day after a Super Bowl if a receiver manages to catch it solidly and keep both feet inbounds in a move (with two defenders around him) that might have some prima ballerinas impressed (nice play, Mario Manningham).   As Manning said: “There at the end when we had an opportunity in the fourth, quarter, we’d been in those situations and we knew that we had no more time left. We had to go down and score and guys stepped up and made great plays.”  That, they sure did.

At the end of the half-time show, Madonna disappeared in a puff of smoke as the words “World Peace” were projected onto the field.  What a powerful ending with a wonderful message.  That said, I wish for my children and our youth – world peace, Manning’s grace under pressure, and the knowledge that practice, discipline, perseverance and above all, perhaps, belief in one’s self – can make champions out of even those with the slowest of starts.  I also would like to remind my kids that if Madonna still has it going on in her 50′s, the rest of us moms, who can sing her lyrics by heart, aren’t necessarily out of touch either, even if we didn’t know who MIA was until you asked us to download it from iTunes.

Real Women Talking is here to frame, honor and validate the multitude of issues facing women today. “Being a woman today is exhausting.” “Life is like the staircases at Hogwarts, always shifting.” “Life is like being on a unicycle. You hope you don’t drop a ball or fall off the bike.” We have heard a resounding chorus tell us that life is not so easy.

Hundreds of women have revealed that they feel completely drained, kind of like a cell phone beeping at the end of the day, battery on the verge of being wiped out. So, given what we have heard, it is time to unveil what we have created as a mantra, to honor what so many women are saying they need, and to offer some much needed aid in this arena. Real Women Talking is excited to present a mantra for self-care: called “Positive Selfishness.”

These days, selfishness gets a bad rap in our society. And, it’s easy to understand why. But, we are not talking about being devoted to, or caring only about oneself. Rather, we are speaking about the tried and true adage of doing for self, so you have some energy left when all is said and done. Without this adage, we deplete and aren’t good for anyone, let alone ourselves, so we have heard, since the inception of our research.

So, what exactly is Positive Selfishness? It’s about making yourself the star of your own life, the main character in your own novel. Unlike the selfish person who is concerned only with his or her own interests, benefits and welfare, regardless of others, one’s needs and others’ needs are not mutually exclusive in the Positive Selfishness paradigm.

When we asked women what they did for their own Positive Selfishness: we received a flood of responses via e-mail, texts, our website and facebook page. This question struck a chord with women nationwide and sparked the quickest response from our surveys yet. Some women simply wrote back, “self-care, what is that?” Others answered, “does wine count?” Regardless of the answers women gave, one thing remained abundantly clear – there never seems to be “enough” self-care, or at least not consistent self-care. And, the reasons for that ranged from lack of time, cultural ideologies, lack of resources, and for some of those moms out there, lack of spousal support to boot.

With regard to the time factor, we are fully aware that the last thing women in America have, us included, is “time.” That said, it truthfully doesn’t take much time to make it work. It can be accomplished in small chunks of time. It can become part of your daily routine, much like the morning newspaper or a cup of coffee, tea or just a few minutes of quiet before the rest of the house wakes up. Before you go to bed at night, ask yourself: “what did I do for me today?” Answer it honestly ladies, and if the answer is nothing, or not nearly enough, then step it up tomorrow. Remember you are living your only life. What are you waiting for?

Positive Selfishness isn’t just about “doing” things, but is also about “thinking” about one’s self, or at least being kinder internally. One can practice Positive Selfishness without “doing” a thing. Real Women Talking has received numerous responses about “needing” to be less self-judgmental or critical. We also heard that even the act of “not doing” anything at all, can be an act of Positive Selfishness. As we’ve heard, “Something as simple as letting the dishes pile up for the sake of getting more sleep, unwinding and decompressing after a long day has been surprisingly effective in ratcheting down my stress levels and letting me enjoy some of the down time I didn’t realize was there.” “Nurture mind, body, heart and soul,” in your own way.

We dream of a day when women will have no hesitation but to practice Positive Selfishnes. Practice after all, is the key to success, as anyone lucky enough to play at Carnegie Hall can tell you. It’s equally true, that when you search high and low, and find the time and do more for yourself, you’ll have more deposits in your savings bank, and in turn you’ll have more energy to do for all the others who fill your world. And, talk about a happy world that would be.

We’d love to know what you really think… and while you are at it, what can you do for yourself? Or, tell us what keeps you from practicing Positive Selfishness… join us as we keep the dialogue open and very real.

  • Today, my soon to be 8-year old twin boys played Animal Idol.  I must admit it was pretty darn cute.  “Cuddles” the big brown bear won and “Blue Puppy” came in second place.  While I listened to them play the roles of judges and contestants, I started thinking that there was a lot to learn from watching American Idol.

    My one son started off as the “mean” judge, “I am sort of like Simon,” he said.  My other son corrected his brother’s misbehaviors every step of the way, reminding him (and the animals of course) that “everyone is good in their own way.”  And “trying out for American Idol is really hard; it takes a lot of guts.”

    The animals went through some tough moments, moments of heartache.  Ah, the pain when “Squeaky Dolphin’s” dream was squashed.  “Yellow Duck” hardly made it past his first chorus.  In today’s culture, wherein every kid gets a trophy just for playing in the league, rejection is rare.  This might be my boys’ first real glimpse of non-sugar coated life.

    While I certainly don’t want my kids experiencing the real rawness of this rejection, at least not yet, I am seeing that the parallel process from this show has merit.  While one of my sons made sure that none of his animals were “laughed off the stage,” he processed all the related feelings.  

    We read and talk about “building resiliency” in our youth today, but we work hard to shield them from the very experiences they need to build their calluses.  I know that I am certainly guilty of safeguarding my little boys from so many of life’s pains.  So for now, I guess the least I can do to expose them to the good, bad and ugly of the world, while also seat-belting them in every which way, is to let them watch American Idol.

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