Thanks to Sheryl Sandberg and her recent book, Lean In:  Women, Work and the Will to Lead, women are engaging in critical conversations on work and motherhood like never before.  While I like the expression “Lean In,” I must beg to differ that this catch-phrase will work for most real women.  After 15 years of clinical practice, working as an in-house therapist to various workplaces I feel pretty confident that I can report out on which direction everyday women are “leaning.”  For the sake of keeping up Sheryl’s proverbial compass, I argue that most women are in a perpetually diagonal, navigating a constant see-saw pull between work and home life, and trying very hard to do it all, and have it all, in whatever way that means to them.

In my grandmother’s era, women were told to lean out of the work arena, and focus entirely on motherhood, and matrimony.  In my mother’s era, women were told to lean into work, but only in certain career trajectories.  In my era, I was told to reach for the highest star professionally. But once motherhood entered the picture my feminist pioneers’ messages seem to fail me and I felt quite frankly that I had been sold a bad bill of goods.  As a full-time worker and mother to twin boys, how can I have it all, and do it all, all the time?  I have learned to lean out, for various reasons including the fact that I am not a superhero (despite my herculean schedule) and I need to give myself a break.  I have spoken to thousands of ordinary, yet extraordinary women nationwide who have concurred that modern motherhood comes with a slim margin for error, meaning we are all just one child’s strep throat, common cold, or call from school away from needing to lean out again, and again.

“Lean In” is part of a great book title.  But seriously, women today are so tired of being told what to do, and how to do it.  I truly believe our feminist pioneers’ greatest gifts to us was giving us choices.  As long as we continue to flex our choices, we are far from stalled in moving feminism forward, and our own sense of leadership.  Choice empowers us with options on how to live, and this sense of choice is our modern day birthright.  The dizzying choice most women seem to be making today looks like a lot of leaning in and out, and out and in.  Mothers have told me of their struggles, fatigue, and ever-present guilt.  I have heard a cry-out for support, validation, normalization and voiding judgment.  Hats off to Sheryl for creating motherhood buzz.  Now we need to keep the topic on center stage, and honor the many directions we choose to lean.