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When I was in college, I loved driving in my Pontiac Sunbird convertible down a winding road, top down, listening to Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car” at a louder than necessary volume.  I can still picture my hair blowing in the wind as I listened to the lyrics:

You got a fast car / I want a ticket to anywhere / Maybe we make a deal / Maybe together we can get somewhere.”

That was then though, and this is now.  Years later (too many to note), I’m now a mom of four in suburbia, who drives a minivan (and isn’t afraid to admit that while it may not be the most fashionable vehicle  - I LOVE IT – complete with its plethora of cupholders,  and all the room it has for my brood and their stuff).  These days, I don’t start working until my three oldest children are safely at school.  Often, when I park at my daughter’s Kindergarten, I have my baby in tow.  After lifting the infant car-seat out (with baby in it, sigh), getting the stroller attachment, my iPhone, 5 year old and her backpack that’s slightly bigger, and perhaps heavier, than she is, off we go in a parking lot full of moms, babysitters, dads or grandparents, all anxious to get someplace.

I hate that rushing and fast cars are fixtures in many a school parking lot.  I get that many of us have jobs that we don’t want to be late to.  I get that many of us have obligations we don’t take lightly.  And, I get that many stay-at-home or working from home moms only have 2 or 3 or 5 hours to themselves, and have a list of things to do that could easily take that long - grocery shopping to getting the oil changed, a doctor appointment to picking up dry cleaning, or going to the post office or buying another birthday present, having a prescription refilled, doing another load of laundry.  And, of course no one ought to challenge how one spends their time.

A quick glance at the way so many moms dress in my daughter’s school parking lot reveals that many are rushing out of the parking lot to squeeze in some exercise – whether that’s a quick run, or getting to a yoga, pilates or barre class that starts in five minutes, or heading to the gym to hop on the elliptical machine or do weights.  I challenge none of that.  In fact, as a proponent of “Positive Selfishness,”  I laud these moms and the lessons they are teaching their young children about the importance of staying fit and healthy.

Where I frown however, is in the way some moms rush out of the parking lot, forgetting the danger involved with backing up any vehicle, especially a minivan or SUV.  A rear camera can’t always see a stroller that a mom is pushing in front of her, as she weaves her way through the arsenal of Honda Odyssey’s, Pilots, Yukons and Escalades.

And, amid the myriad of bumper stickers, I see the look of rushing on so many morning faces.  It’s worrying to say the least.  Caught up in the moment, does anyone recognize that rushing can lead to poor choices, less critical thinking and less thinking about the blind spots?  I know that the lives we lead aren’t going to get less hectic anytime soon, and I know how important it is to be on time (although as my friends & family will tell you, I’m habitually 4-6 minutes late).  I also know that walking through the parking lots of this suburban school, like the city schools near and far, are our future – toddlers, pre-schoolers, Kindergartners, grade schoolers.  Each one precious, all with a story to tell, and all equally unsuspecting of a mom or dad or grandparent or babysitter driving a Fast Car.

 

Real Women Talking is here to frame, honor and validate the multitude of issues facing women today. “Being a woman today is exhausting.” “Life is like the staircases at Hogwarts, always shifting.” “Life is like being on a unicycle. You hope you don’t drop a ball or fall off the bike.” We have heard a resounding chorus tell us that life is not so easy.

Hundreds of women have revealed that they feel completely drained, kind of like a cell phone beeping at the end of the day, battery on the verge of being wiped out. So, given what we have heard, it is time to unveil what we have created as a mantra, to honor what so many women are saying they need, and to offer some much needed aid in this arena. Real Women Talking is excited to present a mantra for self-care: called “Positive Selfishness.”

These days, selfishness gets a bad rap in our society. And, it’s easy to understand why. But, we are not talking about being devoted to, or caring only about oneself. Rather, we are speaking about the tried and true adage of doing for self, so you have some energy left when all is said and done. Without this adage, we deplete and aren’t good for anyone, let alone ourselves, so we have heard, since the inception of our research.

So, what exactly is Positive Selfishness? It’s about making yourself the star of your own life, the main character in your own novel. Unlike the selfish person who is concerned only with his or her own interests, benefits and welfare, regardless of others, one’s needs and others’ needs are not mutually exclusive in the Positive Selfishness paradigm.

When we asked women what they did for their own Positive Selfishness: we received a flood of responses via e-mail, texts, our website and facebook page. This question struck a chord with women nationwide and sparked the quickest response from our surveys yet. Some women simply wrote back, “self-care, what is that?” Others answered, “does wine count?” Regardless of the answers women gave, one thing remained abundantly clear – there never seems to be “enough” self-care, or at least not consistent self-care. And, the reasons for that ranged from lack of time, cultural ideologies, lack of resources, and for some of those moms out there, lack of spousal support to boot.

With regard to the time factor, we are fully aware that the last thing women in America have, us included, is “time.” That said, it truthfully doesn’t take much time to make it work. It can be accomplished in small chunks of time. It can become part of your daily routine, much like the morning newspaper or a cup of coffee, tea or just a few minutes of quiet before the rest of the house wakes up. Before you go to bed at night, ask yourself: “what did I do for me today?” Answer it honestly ladies, and if the answer is nothing, or not nearly enough, then step it up tomorrow. Remember you are living your only life. What are you waiting for?

Positive Selfishness isn’t just about “doing” things, but is also about “thinking” about one’s self, or at least being kinder internally. One can practice Positive Selfishness without “doing” a thing. Real Women Talking has received numerous responses about “needing” to be less self-judgmental or critical. We also heard that even the act of “not doing” anything at all, can be an act of Positive Selfishness. As we’ve heard, “Something as simple as letting the dishes pile up for the sake of getting more sleep, unwinding and decompressing after a long day has been surprisingly effective in ratcheting down my stress levels and letting me enjoy some of the down time I didn’t realize was there.” “Nurture mind, body, heart and soul,” in your own way.

We dream of a day when women will have no hesitation but to practice Positive Selfishnes. Practice after all, is the key to success, as anyone lucky enough to play at Carnegie Hall can tell you. It’s equally true, that when you search high and low, and find the time and do more for yourself, you’ll have more deposits in your savings bank, and in turn you’ll have more energy to do for all the others who fill your world. And, talk about a happy world that would be.

We’d love to know what you really think… and while you are at it, what can you do for yourself? Or, tell us what keeps you from practicing Positive Selfishness… join us as we keep the dialogue open and very real.

  • Today, my soon to be 8-year old twin boys played Animal Idol.  I must admit it was pretty darn cute.  “Cuddles” the big brown bear won and “Blue Puppy” came in second place.  While I listened to them play the roles of judges and contestants, I started thinking that there was a lot to learn from watching American Idol.

    My one son started off as the “mean” judge, “I am sort of like Simon,” he said.  My other son corrected his brother’s misbehaviors every step of the way, reminding him (and the animals of course) that “everyone is good in their own way.”  And “trying out for American Idol is really hard; it takes a lot of guts.”

    The animals went through some tough moments, moments of heartache.  Ah, the pain when “Squeaky Dolphin’s” dream was squashed.  “Yellow Duck” hardly made it past his first chorus.  In today’s culture, wherein every kid gets a trophy just for playing in the league, rejection is rare.  This might be my boys’ first real glimpse of non-sugar coated life.

    While I certainly don’t want my kids experiencing the real rawness of this rejection, at least not yet, I am seeing that the parallel process from this show has merit.  While one of my sons made sure that none of his animals were “laughed off the stage,” he processed all the related feelings.  

    We read and talk about “building resiliency” in our youth today, but we work hard to shield them from the very experiences they need to build their calluses.  I know that I am certainly guilty of safeguarding my little boys from so many of life’s pains.  So for now, I guess the least I can do to expose them to the good, bad and ugly of the world, while also seat-belting them in every which way, is to let them watch American Idol.

Real Women Talking author and psychotherapist, Jennifer Finkelstein, has heard women across the country talking about the ways in which they are part of a “new generation” of women. Jennifer has heard women talk about being socialized to ’want it all,’ and ’have it all,’ in whatever way the ’all’ means for each individual, in a dramatically different way than their mothers and grandmothers. Many women have shared that their mothers were limited to very few career trajectories, and were socialized to be mothers and wives, as their primary life focus.  

Today, women are given a different script. One respondent in Philadelphia shared that she was “taught to reach for (her) highest star, and pursue (her) own dreams, without the mere mention of couple hood or motherhood planning.” Many women shared that, before they had children, they truly enjoyed their liberating and empowering choices. But, once children entered into their life balancing acts, choices were not the same blessing, but rather their choices led them into an often crazy-making, stress/guilt inducing life cycle.

Choices are creating a serious, everyday rub because our modern workplaces, fast-paced culture, and our partners are not doing a great job of fully supporting our choices. Too many of us are suffering: operating like a whirling dervish from activity to activity and from work to kids, and back again. Choices will only serve us if others are supporting our choices, free of judgments, free of socialization’s limitations, and with incredible flexibility and co-parenting.

Real Women Talking needs to keep talking so we can figure out “how” we can engage in our choices, without trying to be some kind of super-hero. We are a new generation of women indeed: motivated, smart, educated, conscious, busy, empowered and liberated like no others before us. But without too many role models, we will need to be each other’s champions and cheerleaders. Join our think tank. We would love to hear how you are navigating your choices….

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